The Tape it or Die bloggers have been posting blog posts since April of 2010 through August 2010 , posting information about upcoming events, among other topics, to their trip in Fortune City when the outbreak hit.
The blog posts are categorized by month and then listed in from oldest to newest.
April[]
Tape it or Die = Open Now![]
Written by Johnny Pipes on April 6, 2010
Image courtesy of the fine folks at the Kentucky Bison Company!
Hey folks! Welcome to Tape It Or Die! After weeks of planning, we are officially open! Hot damn! I'm sure many of you reading this were followers of the late Shambling Meat Bag forums. Still don't know what happened there. Jorge just fell off the face of the Earth. But we have our top men man working to see if we can't fish out some of those epic threads. But enough about dead websites! Long live Tape It Or Die, where we discuss all things zombie, and all things tape. My name's Johnny Pipes (yes, the Johnny Pipes). I'll be hosting this party. And making the occasional Red Bull run. (And as a side note, if you're in the Costa Mesa area, be sure to use Johnny Pipes Plumbing for all your plumbing and handyman needs!) But this is a team effort! I can't do this kind of thing alone. So, we have some other SMB veterans here picking up my slack.
- Left Hand Lance: Zombie expert and webmaster extraordinaire. If you have issues with the site, contact HIM, not ME! Hahaha!
- Gretchen: Our angel investor. She's fronting our hosting bills. <3 Also, she's my main squeeze! <3<3<3
- Wallace: ...........You know, we love Wallace. Very much!
So, the four of us are going to be writing about - what else - zombies. But we're not stopping there! This is where we think beyond the shotgun. With a good roll of tape in your hand, the world is your oyster. More on this later. So, enough introduction! I'm cracking open a Red Bull. Let's get this party started!
THE MIGHTY LEFT HAND OF LHL[]
Written by "Left Hand" Lance on April 8, 2010
Since this is my first post, it seems like i should introduce myself, but that seems a little weird because it seems like everyone already knows me already. but whatev. I'm Left Hand Lance; you can call me LHL or Lefty for short. i'll be posting and commenting here and doing all that stuff I was doing on the Shambling Meat Bag, except that now instead of just moderating forums, I'm actually in charge. All hail my mighty left hand! LOL!
oh, and I shouldn't have to mention this, since all the people here are on my good list, but since I'm webmaster here, I will be more ruthless than I ever was as a SMB mod. If you get out of line, or rile me up, i will ban you so hard, you won’t be able to see straight. Just sayin'.
My Intro and Zombie Bikes[]
Written by Wallace on April 10, 2010
Hi everybody. This is my first official post here, so I should probably introduce myself. My name is Wallace, and I'll be yet another of your guides here on the path that is Tape it or Die. If you were on the Shambling Meat Bag, you may remember that I was the leader of the "Bigger in Texas" group (and if you were a member of the group, it's not too late to have a barbecue this weekend. Just call me to set up a time.
Also if you knew me from the SMB, you'd know that I like motorcycles. They're both a livelihood and a pastime. Building and repairing them has given me years of enjoyable work and a steady income. (And while I won't blatantly advertise like some folks (named Johnny Pipes), I can help out if you ever need a repair shop in the San Antonio area.)
But if I talked about bikes in a non-zombie way, I'd...well, let's just say my popularity would drop. Like my father sometimes said, "Never bring a cross to a pagan party" (or something like that). But still, there's plenty of bleeding between these two areas. Today, for example, I want to look at what happens when zombies and motorcycles love each other very much. namely, you get an awesomely unholy hybrid between the two. Like this!
Yes, yes, I realize that this is not technically a zombie bike, but rather a skeleton bike.
But still, if you have a reanimated skeleton, that can still count as the living dead, right? Okay, I get it, we need some skin, even if it is rotting. So how about this?
Gruesome!
How Long Would it Take You to Convert[]
Written by Gretchen on April 11,2010
I found an interesting quiz whilst browsing the Internet. It's called the Zombie Bite Calculator, and like its name implies, its purpose is to figure out how long it would take you to convert after being bitten by a zombie. I would be interested to know what the base conversion time is. I can only assume that it is one hour, which some people have hypothesized is the conversion time for the "completely average person" (if such a thing exists). Regardless, the relevant aspects which effect the conversion time include:
Age: Basic. 22 years is considered the ideal age of health for the average person, with desirability decreasing as the age range radiates.
Propensity for catching common sicknesses (e.g. colds), and speed of recovery: Indicators of one's immunity level. While the human immune system can't defeat the zombie infection completely, it can't hurt to have a stronger system.
Exercise amount and level of obesity: If you can't figure these out, I doubt you pass middle school biology.
Smoking habits and asthma: In addition to being indicative of general health, both of these prevent oxygen (a vital healing factor) from entering the system.
Ease of bruising and use of blood thinners: I find this to be both fascinating and relevant. Because of the unique, fast-acting nature of zombie infection, travel through blood is very important. A higher degree of what the layman will term "brusieability" means that the veins are easily broken, propagating the spread of blood and, thus, the infection.
Similar with blood thinners Cholesterol Level: I'd be curious to see how this effects the time. On the one hand, high cholesterol means lower overall health. However, because cholesterol is essentially a waxy buildup within the veins, it would actually slow the spread of the infection. It'd be an interesting research item.
Weight: Unlike obesity level, having a greater weight can actually be an asset, as you have more blood that needs to be infected before you turn. This works similarly to blood alcohol levels and being considered a "lightweight."
Anemia: An anemic person has an abnormally low number of red blood cells. Theoretically, I suppose this would work in a manner inverse to the high weight.
Diabetes: Diabetes has several symptoms, including fatigue, weight loss, and slow wound healing, that would all either contribute to the acquisition or spread of the infection.
Truth be told, I'm disappointed with this result. I am in tip-top physical condition, the only things I consume are beneficial, and I know more about health than anyone I know. What I can assume works against me is my age being sub-optimal and my weight being on the lower end. However, I'd still wager that I'd last longer than anyone else here. Please post your (honest) results in the comments, so we can compare.
Lets Talk About Tape[]
Written by Johnny Pipes on April 20, 2010
Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here! Well, as you may know, I'm a plumber (best in the Costa Mesa area (949-478-3949). Also a overall handyman and a tinkerer and an inventor. I use a lot of tape. A lot. And I make sure I have tape on me at all times. And not just at work. I have it at home and at parties and on dates.
I mean, what if some mugger slashed a hole in your lady-friend's purse? Tape it up! What if a kid is being too loud in a restaurant? Tape his mouth shut! (Didn't do that one myself; I just gave the mother a strip of tape. Not sure if she used it, but I didn't hear the kid after that.)
Basically, if there's a problem that's not un-solvable, usually one of the solutions involves tape. So, my logic goes:
- Zombies are a problem.
- The problem of zombies is not un-solvable.
- Therefore, tape must be a solution!
Of course there are the basics:
- Tape based traps (large pit covered by weak tape).
- Putting double-sided tape on the ground to slow them even more.
- Throwing rolls of tape at the zombies.
But my favorite thing about tape is that it's not just repairative! It's also combinative! If you have two solid, tangible objects, they can be totally taped together! And that includes weapons. If you have two guns and tape them together, you get a doublegun! Tape two swords together, and you get a doublesword! Et cetera! Now, I have lots to say on this. After all, I've been doing this kind of junk all my life. So watch out, zombies! Tape is coming for you!
Da Top 4 Zombie Movies of 2000s!![]
Written by "Left Hand" Lance on April 23, 2010
There has been a lot of zombie films come out in the last 10 years. i guess you could say that the 2000s have been something of a renaissance for zombie films. there have been almost as many zombie movies released in the last 10 years as there have been in all the years before 2000. But just because there's a lot of movies, that doesnt mean there's any good movies. Seriously, there has also been a lot of crap. and not the "so bad it's good" kind, either. So, I wanted to make a top 5 zombie movies of all time, but I figured I should separate it into portions. So today, i'm going to be discussing my top 5 zombie movies of the 2000s (not including 2010).
4. 28 Days Later - I admit I'm a little hesitant about adding this one. After all, this was the movie that popularized the "fast zombie" archetype. And while i'm not necessarily the most critical person when it comes to fast zombies, I do feel that they take something away from the genre as a whole. Thaat said, I can't simply ignore the fact that this movie is...good. it's genuinely scary and has a pretty decent plot. So if you want to have zombie movies being taken seriously by the masses of norms, this is a good step in that direction...even if it is a very fast step.
3. Resident Evil - Okay, so this one may not be considered as culturally relevant, or even as good, as 28 days Later. And the sequels were...let's not talk about Apocalypse, the better. But it has it's own pluses. First of all, it's based on my favorite video game series of all time. well, loosely based, but based nonetheless. Whenever I hear the phrase "T-Virus", I get chills. But still, the number one reason to see this movie. Milla. Milla. Oh god, Milla Milla Milla.
2. Shaun of the Dead - I give the british a lot of crap about a lot of things (bad food, bad weather, their obsession with that "Benny Hill" chase music), but man, this movie is great. Simon Pegg himself is a genius (and if you've seen him as Scotty in the Star Trek reboot, you know that his timing is perfect), and the general mix of gore and just goofiness works so well.
1. Zombie Strippers - Okay, this is one of the ones i've never actually seen, but the concept is better than anything else you can imagine. think about it. zombies. strippers. zombie strippers. (And Jenna jameson.) It almost sells itself!
Zombrex - A Little too late[]
Written by Gretchen on April 25, 2010
It seems like every so often, there is a new malady that scares the world. In 2004, the "Disease du Jour" was the severe acute respiratory syndrome (SARS). In 2007, it was the H5N1 highly pathogenic avian influenza (HPAI, or "bird flu"). In 2009, it was the Influenza A H1N1 virus (which everyone lovingly dubbed "swine flu").
Zombies are different. First of all, we don't have any commonly-accepted nomenclature regarding the infection. It's just "zombie-ism". Perhaps it speaks to us on a more basic level, and so words fail us. Second, it seems like regardless of what nation you are in, you actually are at risk (and not just because the media says you are). And even though most instances of the outbreak have been contained, it is still important to know the symptoms. The earlier you know, the more likely you'll be able to treat the issue before fully converting.
I think the best place to start is with a box of Zombrex (tangentially, owning your own pharmacy is a wonderful way to ensure that you always are stocked with Zombrex in case the worst happens). Here are the symptoms of zombification according to the box: ((See Image))
The only issues I take with these symptoms (and rest assured, I have contacted Phenotrans to tell them about this) is that these are symptoms which occur close to, during, or after conversion. Stated otherwise, it may be too late. So in the interest of your health, here are some symptoms to watch out for just after being bitten.
1. Rapid coagulation and congealment of blood.
2. Lightheadedness and lethargy.
3. Irritability.
4. Profuse sweating and dehydration.
While any of these in isolation could be indicitive of any number of health issues, the four of them together could seriously be evidence that you are beginning to turn. If that occurs, be sure to visit your local pharmacy, hospital, or other medical practitioner for treatment. You'll be doing your part to help prevent the spread of the zombie outbreak.
Zip Zop Zobity Bop![]
Written by "Left Hand" Lance on April 29, 2010
L4d's smoker + Bill Cosby = hilarity ahem...
click here for lulz
I don't know why Valve didn't just do this to begin with. but ya see, the kids these days listen to the rap music which gives them the brain damage with their hippin' and their hoppin and their bippin and their boppin', so they don't know what the jazz is all about!
May[]
A Tape By Any Other Name...[]
Written by Johnny Pipes on May 1, 2010
Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here!
So, the other day I talked about tape. I'm also going to do that today! Let's talk about the different types of tape out there. Each has its own unique - almost mystical - properties. Some can affix wrapping paper to presents! Others can affix death to zombies (metaphorically speaking)!
Scotch Tape - My quip about wrapping presents above? Yeah, that's scotch tape. Now ask yourself: are you going to be giving presents to the zombies? Maybe you are. I won't judge. But chances are you aren't. So this is honestly worth less than dirt. (You can grow plants in dirt. You can't grow plants in scotch tape.)
Masking Tape - It's temporary. It's meant to be. You have to take it down when you're done painting. So it's not really strong. But I say it's strong enough! Well, long story short, a friend of mine fell into a masking taped covered hole and broke his leg. Success! Point is, masking tape has its uses. Like traps.
Double-Sided/Sticky Tape - The benefits of double-sided tape are obvious. Why stop at one level of stickiness, when you can have two? Problem is, most sticky tape is pretty damn weak, so not as useful as you'd like.
Electrical Tape - Zombies conduct electricity just as good as any normal human…
Gaffer's Tape - Gaffer's tape be effective at posting directions on the ground. Great for instructing other folks where safehouses and junk is.
Fire Tape - It provides a couple hours of fire protection. You could cover your entire place in this stuff. Then create a temporary "moat" of fire, burning up any zombies that come your way. Not too bad, I think.
Fiberglass Tape - Like fire tape, but made for even higher heat environments. Why not make a suit out of the stuff? And then start fires. Zombies will dies quickly in the fires. You'll die very slowly. Or maybe not at all!
Silicone Tape - It only adheres to itself. Not to anything else and, it takes 24 hours to fully adhere. Zombies are slow, but not that slow.
Warning Tape - Maybe you can warn people to stay away with it, but who actually obeys it? Fail.
Moving on. Duct Tape - .....You know, I'm gonna need a part two for this. Peace!
A Post About Zombies Riding Bikes[]
Written by Wallace on May 3, 2010
I've written a bit about zombie-styled motorcycles. So somebody recently asked me if I thought that zombies are able to ride motorcycles. Naturally, my response was no. Common sense says no. You wouldn't let a hamster operate a tractor, and hamsters are smarter than zombies (at least I think they are; after all, zombies have no survival instincts).
But then I got to looking around, and others seem to have a different idea.
The movie Cemetery Man seems to think they can ride motorcycles.
So do these people (who were apparently on a zombie walk).
The people putting on this "Motorcycle Rally BBQ Skate Jam"(try saying that 5 times fast) seem to think so, too.
And this Resident Evil video game seems to think that they can do wheelies.
So maybe I'm all wet on the subject. What do you think?
How I Wish Zombies *Actually* Ate Pop Music[]
Written by "Left Hand" Lance on May 6, 2010
I forgive the bad singing voice because of the hilarity of the song.
However, I will NOT forgive the fact that the dude says that the zombie is "shambling" while we can see him running. Wheather you want a fast or slow zombie, at least be consistent, man!
A Tape By Any Other Name...(PART DEUX)[]
Written by Johnny Pipes on May 8, 2010
Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here! And this time I need a bib to keep the drool off my shirt. Why? Because we're talking about DUCT TAPE! Cue the angelic choirs! (Ahhhhhhh!)
So, consider all the different types of tapes we discussed earlier. Now throw them out the window! Duct tape beats all. It is strong! It is versatile! You can make a frickin' cannon from it!!! NASA itself used duct tape on the moon rover.The options are only limited by your imagination!
And in fighting zombies, you can use duct tape to create quick, simple barriers. You can plug holes in walls and soundproof rooms, keeping you undetectable. Need to keep things out of reach of zombies? Tape them to the wall or ceiling! Duct tape is strong enough to last for anything you can think of.
And remember what we were saying about the combinative nature of tape? Well, it's good to combine items. It's better to have them stay like that! Which is why duct tape is perfect! It's fiber mesh architecture means that your axe/water bottle hybrid will stay together through a long fight. Even if I just downed a a twofer of Red Bulls and am swinging it around like a madman.
So yeah. Duct tape! Buy it! Learn it! Love it. (But don't make love to it.)
The Best Place to Shoot a Zombie: A Brief Examination[]
Written by Gretchen on May 10, 2010
I would not consider myself a "card-carrying member of the NRA", despite the fact that I do, in fact, have a membership card. I simply feel that if a person wants a gun to defend herself, and she is well in mind, it is her right to have one. It is to protect my investment and livelihood, then, that I purchased - and practise with - a gun. However, as we’re living in troubled times, I wanted to take this opportunity to look at the locations of the human body, in terms of where you should shoot, should this human be in fact, a zombie. Please refer to the following diagram:
1. Forehead/Cranium - There is a reason why the famous phrase is "Shoot them in the head." They may not do much thinking, but if you can destroy their primary motor cortex (which controls movement), you can shut them off permanently.
2. Jaw – Zombies don’t need to bite you in order to kill you.
3. Shoulders - if a bullet misses the artery passing through the shoulder, the damage done is easily dealt with. As such, not a great target.
4. Heart - For a normal human, the heart is a logical place to shoot. For a zombie, whose blood is not pumping, it’s totally ineffectual.
5. Abdomen - Like the heart, a zombie’s other internal organs are out of service. Save your bullet.
6. Hands - By far the most difficult shot you can take, due to the hands moving wildly about. If you're lucky, you will be able to incapacitate their hand, making it more difficult to catch you. This would indeed be impressive. But nobody in the world is lucky enough for that to happen to both hands.
7. Genitals - Gentlemen, keep your jokes to yourself and save your bullets.
8. Knees - If you have a high-caliber weapon, the knees are actually not a bad target. Should you actually blow apart the kneecap, you have a chance of dislocating the entire lower leg. This would cause the zombie to fall and slow them down even more.
9. Ankles – It would take some shot, but a hit would bring a zombie down, at least making it even slower. So, as you can see, the best advice is, indeed, to "Shoot them in the head!"
Man versus zombie MMA at TIR?[]
Written by Wallace on May 12, 2010
So, I was watching some of the MMA fights, and it got me thinking: what if we just had basic human vs. zombie fights. And I don't mean like the stuff they do at Terror is Reality. I love TiR as much as anyone here, but usually the events involve some sort of barrier between the human and the zombie (the barrier being a weapon, or a helmet, or something). What I'm talking about is mono-on-mono fighting, in shorts and shoes and gloves.
I honestly wonder how well that would work. Think about it: this is going to be a battle where the contestant's very life is on the line. If that doesn't inspire some great, honest combat, I don't know what will. It also makes me wonder what type of fighter would have the best chance against a zombie: a boxer, a wrestler, a martial artist? What do you all think?
Also, if I made a petition to add cage fighting to Terror is Reality, would you sign it?
Sun Tzu Says: Know Thyself, Know Thy Enemy, Know Thy Tape[]
Written by Johnny Pipes on May 14, 2010
Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here!
We've established that duct tape is the best zombie fighting tape. (Well, I've established it. But if you disagree, you're wrong.) Anyhoo, I figured it would be good to learn a little more about duct tape. Because knowledge is power!
Let's start with the name. Some people say that calling it "duck tape" is wrong. However, saying it's wrong is wrong! The US military actually used duct tape in WWII. But they called it "duck tape" because it was waterproof. Like a duck's coat of feathers!
After the war, they found that duck tape could be used for ducts. And other things! So the name shifted. If you want to avoid the duct/duck problem altogether, you could always use the sweet-ass German name: "Panzerband"! (That means "tank tape".) But how is it made? And what is it made of? For that, I'll pass the mic to another duct tape enthusiast!
So there you go! So now that you know a little of the history of duct tape, you can have a better appreciation for it when you use it against the undead.
ARE THEY A ZOMBIE: Johnny Pipes[]
Written by "Left Hand" Lance on May 16, 2010
Okay, here we go with the first installment of my ARE THEY A ZOMBIE? series. This time we'll be looking at our dear old friend johnny Pipes. Little knwon fact: JP was actually the one to come to me after the SMB died. he knew about my tech prowess, and so he calls up and says, "Let's make our own site." I was totally down with the idea. and that's what you see here with Tape It Or Die.
But even though Jp is one of my main men, that doesn't he's safe from my watchful zombie-catching eye. (full disclosure: i've never actually met JP in person. but we've interacted online and by phone enough that I feel like I'm educated enough to do this.) Now, let's get started with the comparison!
An Open Letter to My Customers regarding Zombrex[]
Written by Gretchen on May 19, 2010
Dear Customers of the O Street Pharmacy,
I have worked for the last 4 years to make my store a success. And for the majority of those four years, I have served as the only employee. For 12 hours a day (minus a 30-minute lunch break), I have had to stand behind the counter, smiling at you while you rifle through my shelves and disorganize my products. I try to be polite when refusing you medicine due to your obviously-forged prescription paperwork. However, there are a few things which have been irking me lately.
Namely, regarding Zombrex. Namely, regarding you complaining nonstop about Zombrex. Every day I have to listen to your banal, iterative arguments that make no valid points.
Yes, Zombrex is an expensive product. No, I do not purposely mark up the cost by absurd amounts. All products in my store are marked up by 85%. And before you accuse me of being a terrible person, please know that, first of all, many pharmacies will mark up drugs by as high as 600%, and second, I need to make sure I cover my overhead. In any event, Zombrex is still expensive for all parties involved. Phenotrans had high R&D costs (and continue to have high production costs). This was passed on to the pharmacies, which is passed on to you. I'm sorry, but health is occasionally expensive. There are things the government can do to help pay, but the initiative needs to be yours. It is not my job to coddle you through this process.
Zombrex does not require a prescription; this is true. However, that does not mean you should buy my entire stock. You can come back at a later time to purchase more. I assure you, my shop will still be there next week, and the following week, et cetera. Please bear in mind that you are not the only individual in the world, and if someone else were to become a zombie because you feel you need 5 months supply "just in case," then there is something wrong with you. (And if you are not even infected: you make me especially sick.)
I'm very sorry Zombrex needs to be taken every 24 hours, but if you were to use your brain, you'd notice that I'm not an employee of Phenotrans, and I did not create the time restriction. If you're worried that you might sleep in past the deadline, don't take it in the morning. If you are occasionally preoccupied around noontime, then don't take it around noontime. Please, use some self-discipline. Make a plan, stick to it, and stop whining to the pharmacist.
I'm happy you love your pet. I have a pet cat named Snickerdoodle; I love him, too. However, you should not purchase Zombrex for your pet. First of all, Zombrex is made for human use, not animal use. You wouldn't put ibuprofen in Fluffy's kibble bowl, would you? You wouldn't grind up Ritalin and put it in your hamster's water bottle? Then why would you inject your animal with a human zombie drug. "Oh, I don't want Shnookims turning if he gets bitten." Forgive me for being blunt, but your parakeet's life is not worth the life of another human being.
In conclusion: the next time you feel like complaining to your friendly neighborhood pharmacist about all your terrible issues with Zombrex, please remember that your alternative is becoming a zombie. So kindly keep your idiot mouths shut.
Sincerely, Gretchen Peregrine
(P.S. If you are, in fact, one of my customers, I appreciate your patronage and hope to see you soon!)
Talk About a Bad Romance...[]
Written by Johnny Pipes on May 21, 2010
Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here. Today we're going to be talking about "love."
It's a well-known fact that the lady-folk can't resist the Pipes. I was at a club the other weekend. A total 8.3 walked up to me. She was intrigued at my bar order of a Jack Daniels & Red Bull (minus the Jack Daniels). 3 cans and a dozen dances later, we were sitting on her couch. (Can't take her to my place. Too many projects everywhere.)
I tell her about TIOD, and my general interest in zombies. She's tipsy on a few white wine spritzers. She mistakes this for love. So she asks me: "Would you still love me if I were a zombie?"
Answer: no. Well, maybe. I'd say zombification knocks at least 2.5 points off of you. And that's right off the bat. Before further decay. So her, at 8.3, would be just on the threshold. It'd depend on where the most gore was. Some gore can be sexy, but positions need to be right. Really right.
(Ehhhh........)
But that got me thinking. What if we had specially engineered zombies? One which want to eat you, but can't. Like, pull out their teeth and nails and other protrusions. Think about it! You have this mindless idiot that will shamble towards you regardless of how tired they are. They'll then try to bite you. But it's all tongue. And gums, I guess. Just make sure to point them in the right direction. To the right areas.
'Course, you'd have to be a crazy to want one of these. And a necrophile. I'm sure there's probably some crazy STDs living in walking corpses. I'm sure Gretchen could expand on that. (Speaking of Gretchen: you know I only have eyes for you, honey gums!) And then there's the looks thing again. I don't like to consider myself shallow, but jeez! Ladies who are fine enough to be second-base-able as a zombie: don't become a zombie. It'd be a terrible waste.
Staying Healthy, Staying in Shape, Staying Alive[]
Written by Gretchen on May 25, 2010
I once had a friend named Ricky Lloyd.
He's dead now. He moved to Wilamette after college to pursue a career in water sanitation. A couple years after that, the outbreak happened. And Ricky died.
Furthermore, it was his own fault.
At College he used to bake and offer me cookies. I never accepted. In addition to not wanting to appear "easy", I also did not want to poison my body with high-sugar foods. So, instead of passing his cookies to other people on our floor, Ricky would eat them himself. All of them.
Ricky was unhealthy. He could hardly walk up a flight of stairs without breathing heavily; I doubt he could outrun a zombie mob for long. And so he's dead. A pinch upon the mountain of ashes that town has become.
So with that in mind. here are a few tips to make sure you are in tip-top shape to survive an outbreak and not swell the undead numbers.
First, stay active. I take a lap around Lincoln before opening the store for the day. I could probably fight a zombie if needed, and I can definitely outrun them for extended periods of time.
Second, increase your lung capacity, you will run faster, punch harder, carry more, and be a more hardy individual capable of fighting the dead.
Third, don't drink alcohol in excess. As I'm sure Wallace can attest to, you will become sick, and you may end up vomiting making you an easier target. It will also make you reckless and disoriented, unable to make wise decisions.
Fourth, eat and drink healthy foods. If you have a blender and/or juicer, you can make a variety of delicious and healthy juices, which always seem to be easier and more "fun" to consume than normal food.
All in all, the best advice is to care. Care about yourself and your health. Do not be like Ricky. Do not be dead. If you have any further tips to stay healthy, I would appreciate them being put in the comments.
A Post About a Zombie-Killing Bike[]
Written by Wallace on May 30, 2010
I've already talked about motocycles themed around zombies, and motorcycles which zombies ride, but what about the opposite side of things? What about motorcycles designed for fighting zombies?
Ever since the Willamette outbreak, I don't think there's been a single person outside CURE who hasn't even given a glancing thought to how they can take down a zombie.
We all know about Slicecycles. In fact, it was the Slicecycles event at Terror is Reality VII that got me interested in Terror is Reality, and hell, zombies in general (I was admittedly pretty late to the game). They're simple but effective, and I'd love to start building my own (by incorporating the chainsaw mechanisms into the machinations of the bike engine itself).
But here's a different kind of zombie-fighting bike. This hog was made for the video game series Resident Evil and has sharp edges galore, so don't touch your monitor when looking.
Seeing this really makes me want to start drafting again (for those who don't remember, I was originally studying to be a automotive draftsman, but I soon found out I was better with the wrench than with the pencil.)
That is a thing of beauty. I only wish I could see and/or ride it in real life. I doubt even a 1%er would even think of starting something with me then.
Get that zombie off of there! He should be in front!
I don't play video games, so I don't understand the relevance of these items. What does hair spray have to do with zombies?
What I like about the sharp (ha!) design of the bike is that if it were to ever break down, you could just pull it apart and use each piece as a weapon. Hell, even that exhaust pipe looks like it could double as a shotgun (for blowing up heads!).
Unfortunately, I think they missed a real opportunity in these promotional shots by not using real zombie heads and other body parts. Rubber heads are good and all, but you can't really get the visceral feeling (or *smell*) of blood and gut.
I like how upset this zombie looks at her situation. Like a chicken at the chopping block!
I do have a few concerns about the bike. Well, one major concern. If you look in the middle of the handlebars, you'll see a few metal blades. Facing inwards. Inwards. Let me just say, if you were to have any sort of crash where you move forward, well...don't get too attached to your heart.
But I guess it's even worse on slicecycles - where doing hand signals can cause instant amputation - so I s'pose it's a draw.
Images from here, here and here!
June[]
"...But you don't have to take MY word for it."[]
Written by "Left Hand" Lance on June 3, 2010
You know, just because I watch a lot of movies, play a lot of games, and read some comics, that doesn't mean i'm not well-rounded. i also read books! Well, I read SOME books. So I figured I should share three of my favorite modern authors of zombie literature. Maybe we can start reading together, like Oprah's book club, but with fewer ovaries.
David Moody
okay, i don't want anybody giving me crap about this one. Moody and his Autumn series seem to tickle people in every way imaginable. Seriously, i don't think i've ever seen a case on Amazon where the votes are almost evenly split between all 5 star ratings before Autumn. But regardless, i think that at the end of the day, they're pretty good. I have my own problems with it (I think the speed at which their apocaluypse happens is way, waaaay too fast, even in context).
But the things he focuses on are so unique for a zombie book. Its less about the bloody gore and freaky images - which, really, is where the movies are better than books anyway - and more about the psychology and the human condition. And, if that's not good enough for you, the books are free online. so you don't lose anything (save your time) by reading them.
Seth Grahame-Smith
I know what you're thinking: "who?" This is a a guy who i think is on his way to the top, even if he IS climbing upon the shoulders of already established writers. his most famous work at the moment is Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. And it is built off the original P&P, which was written by Jane austen. I HATE jane austen! Hate hate hate. in fact, the movie version of P&P is the only Keira Knightly movie that I didn't see (and yes, that includes both love Actually and Domino).
But the adddition of zombies changes everythign. Suddenly, you have a book that's not just about love and old-timey feminism, but rather about what the hell the brits (especially those Victorian Regency-era Brits) would do if zombies existed at the time. Its stupid, yes, but it's a FUN kind of stupid. You may not be enlightened, but you will be entertained. I only wish his follow-up book, Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter, stuck with zombies and not, ya know, vampires. (Also, Ben Winters wrote a thematic sequel called Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters. I haven't read it, but come on, people, no more Austen!)
Max Brooks
if I were a woman, i would want max brooks to father my children. This guy is, like, the Isaac Asimov of zombie literature. not only does he provide good narratives, but he also talks about zombies in a very kinda thoughtful way. like the way Asimov has his robot laws, Brooks can describe the traits of zombies (even if they're not really true to life (but I can forgive that, since he wrote the handbook before the outbreak)).
The only problem with Brooks, though, is figuring out which of his books is the better one. The Zombie Survival Guide is a classic, and its written both well and practically. Consider the fact that it was written for pure enjoyment, well BEFORE the Willamette outbreak, and yet it is actually one of the most useful - and publicly recommended - books available today regarding zombies. at the same time, it is incredibly enjoyabel and fun. Perfect bathroom reading. On the other hand, World War Z is much darker and more serious. There are a few laughs here and there (especially when he riffs on himself), but for the most part, it is intense and gripping and oh-so-good, even if all the encounters it talks about are fictional.
and if reading's not your thing, at LEAST get the audiobook forWorld War Z. It has some of the best voice acting I know of, including Mark freakin' Hammill. Yes, the Joker himself is talking about zombies.
But anyway, you should read one of these, if only to get your parents off your back about not enriching your mind enough.
Rumors about the new TiR[]
Written by Wallace on June 6, 2010
So, Terror is Reality XVI is just about to come up. Personally, I'm not a fan. "Dead, White, and Blue"? Politicians fighting zombies? While I'd be in favor of some of our congressional members being eaten up, I doubt that will happen, because everyone is saying that there will be snipers to protect the politicians.
Sounds craptacular, if you ask me.
But one things that's making me not completely lose my faith in humanity are some rumors I've been hearing. Namely, rumors about TiR XVII. And while my father would always liken rumors to herpes ("you can't spread them without getting effed up yerself"), I honestly can say that I love them.
So, here's the dirt:
-TiR XVII is not going to have any gimmicks! No animals, so "beach parties", no politicians.
-It's title is going to be "Payback". -This one is more speculation on my buddies' and my part than actual rumor, but we think that the name refers to the contestants wanting to "pay back" zombies. Does that mean that they're survivors? (My guess is they're all from Wilamette, but Tony (the shop's counterman) thinks they're from all the outbreaks.)
Exciting stuff! I think I may become as giddy about this TiR as I was about the very first one I watched! How about y'all? What do you think: real or fake?
My Project Plans (In the Form of a Chat Log)[]
Written by "Left Hand" Lance on June 10, 2010 lefthandlance (11:35:12 AM): jp! my man!
JohnnyPipes81 (11:35:22 AM): Hey Lefty!
JohnnyPipes81 (11:35:24 AM): How's it going?
JohnnyPipes81 (11:35:26 AM): How was your Friday?
JohnnyPipes81 (11:35:30 AM): I totally met an 8 at the bar last night.
lefthandlance (11:36:01 AM): anyway, i had a good friday. played some Settlers of catan with buds.
lefthandlance (11:36:16 AM): but i'm trying to spend the weekend doing something cool.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:36:18 AM): Good idea.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:36:21 AM): Doing lame stuff is lame.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:36:24 AM): Like some of the stuff you do.
lefthandlance (11:36:27 AM): i wanna MAKE something.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:36:31 AM): Oh, now that's definitely cool.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:36:35 AM): Be sure to come to me if you need anything.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:36:36 AM): Tools.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:36:36 AM): Tape.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:36:37 AM): Raw materials.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:36:37 AM): Advice.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:36:39 AM): Moral and emotional support.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:37:02 AM): Anyway, what are you building?
JohnnyPipes81 (11:37:03 AM): Weapon?
JohnnyPipes81 (11:37:03 AM): Trap?
JohnnyPipes81 (11:37:05 AM): Some kind of drink dispenser?
lefthandlance (11:37:12 AM): not building. MAKING.
lefthandlance (11:37:16 AM): IPhone app
JohnnyPipes81 (11:37:18 AM): What?
JohnnyPipes81 (11:37:19 AM): Boo!
JohnnyPipes81 (11:37:21 AM): Make something tangible, man!
JohnnyPipes81 (11:37:23 AM): What could you possible do on an iPhone.
lefthandlance (11:37:24 AM): its about zombies.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:37:26 AM): Yes, I assumed that.
lefthandlance (11:37:40 AM): it's a unique idea.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:37:42 AM): Yes, I'm sure.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:37:43 AM): Lemme guess...
JohnnyPipes81 (11:37:46 AM): It's called the iZombie.
lefthandlance (11:37:51 AM): ...yes, actually.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:37:59 AM): I bet you there's already a zombie app on there.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:38:03 AM): http://iphoneapplicationlist.com/?s=zombie&x=0&y=0
JohnnyPipes81 (11:38:06 AM): There's, like, a thousand.
lefthandlance (11:38:10 AM): mine's gonna be diff.
lefthandlance (11:38:19 AM): its gonna tell you if someone is a zombie.
lefthandlance (11:38:23 AM): and the best way to kill em.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:38:27 AM): Send them Johnny Pipes' way.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:38:36 AM): But anyhoo, how's that supposed to work?
lefthandlance (11:38:43 AM): takes picture.
lefthandlance (11:38:48 AM): analyzes it for zombification.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:38:51 AM): You need to analyze if someone's a zombie?
JohnnyPipes81 (11:38:53 AM): If so, you deserve to die.
lefthandlance (11:38:56 AM): then tries to find a weak spit.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:38:58 AM): How long's this gonna take?
lefthandlance (11:38:58 AM): weak SPOT
lefthandlance (11:39:09 AM): shouldnt be more than a few seconds, if it works well.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:39:12 AM): Well, hopefully you don't need a closeup picture.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:39:14 AM): Then it's not really an issue anymore.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:39:25 AM): .......
JohnnyPipes81 (11:39:27 AM): I'm implying that you'll be bitten.
lefthandlance (11:39:30 AM): i have some school projects, but shouldn't take more than a couple weeks to finish.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:39:36 AM): And you better make sure it doesn't give false positives.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:39:40 AM): You don't want anybody's innocent head being lopped off.
lefthandlance (11:39:45 AM): have some faith in my abilities. i DID build tiod from scratch.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:39:45 AM): Actually, that'd be hilarious.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:39:48 AM): "Oh no! This says Gramma's a zombie!"
JohnnyPipes81 (11:39:51 AM): "Those liver spots are actually open sores!"
JohnnyPipes81 (11:39:53 AM): "Get the chainsaw!" lefthandlance (11:39:54 AM): lol
lefthandlance (11:39:58 AM): trust me, it'll be good.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:40:00 AM): Let me know how it turns out.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:40:10 AM): Anyhoo, gotta go.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:40:11 AM): Just got a call.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:40:13 AM): Some chick's sink is flooding.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:40:15 AM): She sounds young.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:40:15 AM): And hot.
JohnnyPipes81 (11:40:17 AM): See you on the flip side.
JohnnyPipes81 signed off at 11:40:18 AM
lefthandlance (11:40:19 AM): latez. (On a side note: i have NEVER been able to put in my last word before jp logs off. I gotta start prepping for it.)
The Poker Game at the "Bigger in Texas" Barbeque[]
Written by Wallace on June 15, 2010
I would like to sincerely thank everyone who showed up to the "Bigger in Texas" barbecue this past weekend. It's just like my father used to tell me, even if you end up face down on the couch with a bucket next to you, there is nothing better than spending time with good friends.
I think what made this barbecue all the more fun is that we had a poker tournement. I used to play Hold'em all the time back when I was in college. Buy in with my day's wages at the shop, hopefully come out on top. Still haven't lost my touch, if you ask me. But I will say that I was shocked (in the best way possible) when Kenneth ("PaleOn" on the old SMB forums) brought out these: ((SEE IMAGE))
That's right, zombie poker chips. You should have heard the squeal of delight from the group. I'm not sure where these came from, but if Kenneth is reading this, please tell me! [UPDATE: LHL highjacking this post to let you know this set is called the 'zombie poker tour' can be bought here.] There were even some moments when people would cry out "Braaaaaiiiiiinnnnsssss!!!" as they reached for the dealer chip.
I won the game, but I didn't win any money (we were playing for our de-meated pork ribs). So my tips to all of you:
-Wearing sunglasses or a hat is not a replacement for skill. If anything, you get too confident and the rest of your body gives away your intentions. -In my experience, the best strategy is to not appear like you have a strategy. Be unpredictable. If you are usually defensive, make a few unnecessarily aggressive plays, and vice versa. You'll confuse (if not annoy) you're opponents, but in the end, you'll have the pot, so who the hell cares?
-If you're playing against a zombie, they will always match you, regardless of whether you raise or check. So if you have a good hand, raise, raise, raise!
That last one was a joke. If you're in range of a zombie, yo should kill them, not play poker.
TOID Ideas From the Past! Without 1.21 Jiggawatts! Or 88mph![]
Written by Johnny Pipes on June 23, 2010
Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here!
Here’s an interesting fact - maybe a shocking fact!
I actually am not the first Johnny Pipes.
It’s true! Johnny Pipes Plumbing was around well before I ever donned the moniker. Turns out, it was named after John Oppenheimer. He was the original owner of the company.
No, that’s not actually a picture of him. (I never met the guy. Don’t know what he looks like.) But it very well could be. Look at the skill and strength in his hands! The steely resolve in his eyes. A true symbol of everything Johnny Pipes Plumbing stands for. And a symbol everything I stand for as the current title holder.
Why do I bring this up? Well, Phillip just recently showed me one of his performance evaluations. One that Johnny Pipes the Elder wrote for him. (Phillip is my plumbing mentor, by the way.) In the general notes section, there was a little scribble about taping together a old air compressor can and some narrow piping to help blow out clogs for cheap.
Hot damn, the man was crafty! And he loved tape! I developed an immediate man-crush on the spot. I also went to the local junkyard and picked up an air compressor. (The one near Costa Mesa should give you a 20% discount if you tell him Johnny Pipes sent you!) Taped it up to some uneeded copper tubing. And whammo! Works like a charm.
Next stop: the toy store, where I bought about a dozen packs of jacks. You know, that game kids haven’t played for like the last 10 years. Those little metal dealies fit great inside the tube. And when you use a single, all-out burst, it’s like a janky shotgun.
I used my standby test object (a slab of roast) as a target. Let me tell you, those jacks just tore right through the meat. Then got stuck on my kitchen wall.
On Johnny Pipes scale of effectiveness, 0-10, I give this baby a 7. Not sure how well they work against bone. Still, you could probably get a jack or two into the eye socket. I can see it bouncing around the skull a bit. Good times!
So thanks, Johnny Pipes the Elder. You’re an inspiration to everyone at TIOD.
your Zombie LOL for the day - Dinosaur comica[]
Written by "Left Hand" Lance on June 26, 2010
so, when i was writing about how zombies trump vampires, JP posted a link to this comic. Now, if you've never been on Dinosaur comics (aka QWANTZ) before, its one of the funniest comics out there, especially considering the art never changes. (I should really use it in my communications classes as an example of.......something).
Anyhoo, it never occured to me that i could search it, much less that i could search it for some zombie-related lulz. So here we go (you may have to click on the picture to see it full-size. Some of the text is teeny tiny)!
But all this makes me want is more - like DINOSAUR ZOMBIES!!!
July[]
tthis is imrsportantssuf[]
Posted by "Left Hand" Lance on July 2, 2010
aw shiy, i'mt ottally wasted.m totallllllly mssde up. but i nede too writeabout thsisis befoe i forgot.
so teh boyssssssay adf me hada nighti in thet own. natyy lits, stipeeers, adnd some setleeers ofnnnnnnncatan... shiytttttttt btutt wjat if therrr's XZOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMBIEIIISSS IN CAtan.
steeevn said hthat
i say senedd tjem to ttteheh deseert. NMOO RESOCURCES THEER1111 TNEY DIKE1111
hsit.////shiirtm,,,,, okym oaky, tip formt he,leftha nds l;andce
dontt ddrink to faasrt. nuo funn. s sick - canut eejnoy hooorekrs. or kilill the ozimbies. sende htem tio the sesert. no resoruusces
ffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuu
wjehres the possssst bottun 6 tlbj nbhjjjjjjjjy
Apparently Wallace's info was right! TiR XVIII is called "Payback"![]
Posted by Johnny Pipes on July 8, 2010
And the Twins are back! Hot damn!
But more than that, there's a new event! Happy times! Check it! There's also a new event at this TiR! It's called 'Zomboni'. Sounds good, but looks even better! Take a look!
((See Images))
Not too shabby! I think Wallace may be right: this may be a Terror is Reality to remember!
New Site Look! New Features! New Weapon! New New New![]
Posted by Johnny Pipes on July 8, 2010
Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here!
Notice anything different? You should! After all, the sites changed! New stuff all around! A new-ish, sexy-ish look! A blog archive system that actually works! Hot damn!
A moment of silence for Lefty's programming fingers. I think they type-typed themselves to death.
.......
Oh yeah! We also have a new feature! Look at the nav bar. Look at it! See where it says "My Profile"? That's the new feature. We like you. We want to know about you. And we want to make it easy to comment. So you just sign up, and you get your own profile page. It talks about you. Has a picture. It's like social networking, but with more tape! And fewer creepy old men.
There'll be more. Oh, yes, there'll be more to do. More interactivity! More fun! But that comes later. Baby steps, you know. Lefty's hands need to go through rehab. Then it gets really fun.
Oh! Other stuff!
Inspiration! It comes in the most interesting places. I was watching a movie the other day. Last of the Mohicans. Daniel Day-Lewis. (That guy who only acts every couple of years. He drinks your milkshake.) Exciting stuff! Battles. Scalpings. Funny pronunciations of the word "Yankee."
And then there's bows and arrows! I love those. They're like guns, but more intimidating. I mean, a gun will get you a hole in your body. An arrow will get you a hole in your body, with a shaft sticking out! And then you can have a bunch of arrows shot at once. That gets you the whole "blotting out the sun" thing.
But arrows have one problem. While awesome, they aren't always deadly. Bullets can travel roughly 3,000 feet a second. (Don't ask how I know.) That can do enough damage to kill by itself. You may not even need a headshot. But even the fastest arrows will only go about 300 feet/second. That's one-tenth the oomph! for your buck. Not so hot. So how do we ensure that you kill what you hit?
Answer: explosives!
Beautiful, ain't it? I call it the Blambow. Now, your bow and arrows won't go, "Plink. Thunk. Plink. Thunk." It'll instead goes "Plink. Thunk. BOOM!!! Plink. Thunk. BOOM!!!"
I bet there'd still be more than one Mohican left if they came up with this bad boy. Hell, they'd have probably conquered Europe by this point. Not sure I'd be able to conquer continents myself. Maybe just small groups of people zombies will have to do!
Plink. Thunk. BOOM!!! Ha HA!
I have Terror is Reality Tickets[]
Posted by Wallace on July 09, 2010
My daddy always used to say to me "Good things may come to those who wait, but great things come to those who get off their ass and do something about it." I like to think that I proved him right today. We've been talking quite a bit about the new Terror is Reality recently, and so I've kept my ear to the ground at all times for any news. Well, hogtie my chickens if I didn't find some!
One of my local radio stations had a call-in contest where you could actually win tickets to see TiR XVII. All you had to do was be the 40th person to call in and answer a trivia question.
The question: What was the name of the first female TiR winner?
That's a pretty easy question if you know anything about the show's history. So now, it was just a matter of being the 40th caller. Like a damn fool, I called on my cell phone, and called on my work phone, and used the Skype program we have on our front desk computer. I had to do this a couple of times on each, until I finally heard, "Hello, you're on the JZB Morning Show."
Long story short, I now own two tickets to Terror is Reality XVII. I'm thrilled as pie! But now I'm left with a question: which of my Tape It Or Die friends should I bring along?
why I deserve to go to TIR[]
Posted by "Left Hand" Lance on July 12, 2010
okay, it's been a while since I last wrote somethig. You know why? It's because i've been busting my ass working on the backend of this site, trying to make it godly. and goddammit, i have!
Loook at this place! it used to look like crap, but mah boi Jamie and I worked together to design something that looks like it could have been made by a video game comapny or something.
So Wallace, you wanna know WHY i deserve to be the one you take to fortune city with you. How about because I do most of the goddam grunt work around here. i built the site from scratch, i rebuilt it from scratch, i mod the comments, I deal with the goddamn hosting service and that bee-otch "Rebecca from customer service" in particular.
JP - while i love JP - He came up with the idea for the site, but he hardly manages the administrative work. he just thinks it RUNS ITSELF. Aside from that, he'll drop you as soon as you start boring him. and when a dude has to drink, what is it, 8 red bulls a day, you know it doesnt take much to get him bored. You;ll go to Fortune city with him, and he'll ditch you for some hooker.
gretchen, no offense to her, but she doesn't do anything for the site. Okay, she pays for the hosting, but i'm sure we'd be able to find a way without her. and from what i've seen, she's such an ice queen that you'll be so awkward the whole trip.
and Wallace, i got nothing against you. ^_^
SECOND, nobody knows TiR better than me. Not even you! you started watching partway through. I was there in the beginning, when everyone thought Hogan Payne was going to be killed. Then they thought he was the end-all-be-all of zombie killing before Killer Kyle showed up.
seriously, ask me anything!
When were slicecycles brought in? (TIR VII)
What was the subtitle for TIR XII? (infinite carnage)
which contestant was the most controversial of all time (Liz horikawa)
ask me more! i'll answer it! Nobody knows the event better than me. Nobody would appreciate it more than me!
THIRD, i'm going to be turning 21 before TIR xvii. This'll be my first chance to get legally wasted. I know JP and Gretchen both don't drink, so who are you gunna party with? Left Hand Lance, that's who! So let's go get drunk together and watch zombies get killed, pal!
Kindly Ignore That Post. The One Directly Below This One.[]
Posted by Johnny Pipes on July 14, 2010
Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here!
Rebuttal time! Namely, rebuttal against Lefty's post. And this is serious. I'm reaching out to Wallace here. Well, also all of you. But mostly Wallace. He has the tickets, after all.
I'll be blunt: I'm the reason you're here.
Okay, I should qualify that. I'm not trying to say that I'm the main attraction at Tape it Or Die. That would be the Tape. Or the zombies. Whichever, it's just not any of us.
However!
I am the founder of the site. I formed it in my own image and likeness. I'm kind of like God. Regardless! Notice the site is not called "Zombies and Motorcycles." It's not called "The Medical Nature of the Undead." It's not called "ZoMg LoOk At mE i CaNt CaPiTilIzE CoRrEcTly.
" It's "Tape It Or Die."
I say this to you, Wallace. Without me, you wouldn't be here. You would be sitting, alone, at home. Or in your shop. Either way, alone.
Let me summarize: If it weren't for me, you wouldn't be in this situation. You wouldn't have a community. You wouldn't have the friends you do to fight over your tickets. As such, I should go to TiR. If nothing else, it's repayment.
Besides, I'm the most fun of all of us. And I can guarantee you at least one lady-folk. Unpaid lady-folk. Johnny Pipes usually gets up to three in a trip. I can spare one.
And last but not least, you;ll get half off of all my plumbing and handyman services. (Remember, that's (949) 478-3949!) So make the smart choice, Wallace. The responsible choice. The right choice! Choose Johnny Pipes!
This is Embarrassing[]
Posted by Gretchen on July 16, 2010
I am truly disappointed with all of you.
Wallace - You waved those tickets at our face like piece of meat dangling before a pack of starving wolves. You're the oldest amongst us, and you're acting like a first-grader goading kindergartners into a pile of mud. I don't know what is the more miserable scenario: that you couldn't imagine that offering one ticket to three people wouldn't inspire such in-fighting; or that you knew perfectly well, and did so anyway.
Johnathon, Lance - You showed no restraint in making complete asses of yourselves. While the prospect of attending Terror is Reality is an exciting one, you proceeded to throw out your dignity. For the love of God, we just revamped the site less than a week ago, and now you're willing to let it crumble because of your petty arguments. You two are, quite simply, pathetic.
Everyone else - You helped propagate this behavior through your inflamatory remarks and your additional desire to have the tickets yourselves, despite the fact that Wallace was referring to one of the bloggers. Had you attempted to act rationally, this entire situation may have been defused.
But, as so often seems to be the case, it comes down to me to clean up your mess. So be it.
I have spent some of my own money to purchase two additional tickets to Terror is Reality. In case you troglodytes have forgotten how to count, that means we now have four tickets. That means we're all going to the event. No fighting, no bickering needed.
Now, part of me wants to ask that we split the ticket cost four ways, but I have my sincere doubts that I'd be paid. So consider your tickets free, boys. But you are going to have to purchase your own airfare.
A Post on Gambling in Fortune City[]
Posted by Wallace on July 19, 2010
I kind of regret the commotion I cause last week. I swear to God, I didn't expect it to get that hot under the collar. But like my daddy always told me, "You put a match in a fuel tank, you better expect an explosion." So that was my fault.
But that's all settled now, and we're all going to be able to head off to Fortune City! Aside from Terror is Reality, you know what I'm most excited about when we get there?
Gambling!
What was it, 3 years ago, maybe 4? Either way, I remember when Las Vegas burned to the ground. I remember hearing on the radio at my shop, pretty damn distinctly, seeing as they stopped the Brooks and Dunn song "Play Something Country" in the middle of the song. Then some news anchor said, "Las Vegas is gone."
After a moment of silence that was broken by Steve's wrench falling onto the tool chest and making a hell of a racket, there was obviously a lot of hubbub in the garage. And while it seemed like everyone was simply crapped out by the loss of life, I had one other thought on my mind: "What about the casinos?" Yes, that probably makes me a terrible person. But I've already talked about how gambling's played a part in my life, so damn it to hell, I was upset. My holy land was gone.
So the gambling in Fortune City sparks up my interest all the more. I don't know what kind of time I'll have, but I plan on mainly focusing on the tables. I may be small potatoes compared to some of the professionals out there, but I can still hold my own in a game of Texas Hold'em.
Not so much for slot machines myself. They just seem too sterile for me. There's no interaction with other living people. On the other hand, you have those massive feature machines. Those things are like slot machines on steroids. Take a look if you don't understand what I mean. ((See Image))
The best part about it is, they're big enough that you can play with other people, and help each other out. That's what machines should do: bring people together, not isolate them. That's why any good motocycle can comfortably fit two people, despite bikes' solitary look.
So I think I'll stick with poker, both normal poker and the poker feature machine. It should be great fun! Think about it: if you can watch some zombies get killed in the most insane ways possible, and then win back your travel money, it would be one hell of a trip
An Examination of Fortune City Hotels[]
Posted by Gretchen on July 21, 2010
I'm taking it upon myself to begin looking for lodging while we are in Fortune City, seeing as Terror is Reality is less than a month away. I wouldn't be surprised if all the best deals have already been taken by now, but we'll see what we can manage to acquire. Looking at the Fortune City Website, I was able to find some information on the various hotels in the region, and I thought it would behoove us all if I posted some pros and cons about each of the 5 most prominent malls.
Yucatan
Pros: Has a tropical jungle theme (which I admittedly was skeptical of at first, as I normally associate the Yucatan with the plains where the Mayan pyramids were built, but apparently there is a jungle, so I suppose I am wrong in that regard). Moderately priced for the most part.
Cons: On the other side of the city from the Arena, meaning that travel time to and from TiR will be about as long as it can be.
Atlantica
Pros: By far the classiest and most luxurious of the hotels. Has an underwater theme, which a midwestern girl like myself is always drawn to. There is also a jacuzzi in every single room.
Cons: Luxury, as it should, comes with a price. The Atlantica is easily the most expensive of the hotels. A quick price check has shown that there is nothing available under $400 a night. I didn't get to where I am by making extravagant purchases.
Americana
Pros: Has a hometown, blue-collar American feel. Is home to "Bennie Jack's BBQ Shack", which is apparently world-famous, despite the fact that it's only a year-and-a-half old. It is also right next to the Fortune City Arena.
Cons: I spent my childhood trying to get away from blue-collared "common folk" (by which I mean my parents, among others). I refuse, 15 years later, to surround myself with them.
Fortune City Hotel
Pros: Middle-of-the road price.
Cons: It actually has its own shopping mall, which may sound like a pro, but I've spent a good portion of my life staying out of malls, because of the addictive and destructive nature of compulsive shopping. I fear if I went into the mall, I'd end up as poor as Lance.
Slot Ranch
Pros: Inexpensive, and close to the Royal Flush Plaza.
Cons: There is a reason it is inexpensive. Many of the reviews I've seen have skewed negative. The worst, albeit most hilarious in a schadenfreude manner, that I've read is in regards to a snake, of all things, entering into someone's room through a visible mouse hole.
I have yet to make a final decision, but I am leaning towards the Yucatan. Of course, I will only be paying for my own lodging. In terms of costs, its every woman (or man, I suppose) for herself. I am just writing this as a quick guide to the options, so that all the Tapers here who are going to TiR XVII have a smarter idea of where they'll be staying.
Has anyone had any experiences with any of these places? Please let me know. Also, this would probably be a good place to discuss any arrangements you'd like to make.
Slicecycles are Back in True Form[]
Posted by Wallace on July 23, 2010'thumb|200px|link=
Of all the things that are getting me excited about the new Terror is Reality, probably the most exciting is the return of Slicecycles in their pure, unadulterated form. If you don't understand why this is important, let me give you a little backstory.
When the first zombie outbreak occurred, I didn't believe it. Just didn't. I thought it was an elaborate hoax or, even worse, some damned form of viral marketing meant to promote a movie or a game or some such garbage. I think my skepticism comes from my father's side of the family: my grandpappy would always say "I ain't gunna believe a fox has gotten into the house until I've been bitten on the ass!" (We never actually had foxes around our home, so I don't know where that came from.)
The point of the story is, I didn't believe in the zombies at first. And I pretty much continued to disbelieve them until my cousin Richie died in the Las Vegas outbreak. I didn't know Richie very well, so I wasn't heartbroken, but still, it's at that kind of moment you think "Shit, maybe this is for real.
" But that's about the extent of my concern. "There's a zombie outbreak. Oh, well." It's just like swine flu or bird flu or any of those other flues. It's somewhere else, and so long as it stays somewhere else, I'm unaffected." And, for about 3 years, I just didn't care much for
That changed when I saw this: ((See Image))
That is a fully-modified IJIEK 772c Racing Bike (Second-Half 2004 Model), reverse-engineered to incorporate a low center of gravity (LCG) muffler design, a sixteen-valve, 4-stroke, DOHC engine, and, of course, a twin pair of chainsaws and 4 radial blades, attached to a separate engine located within the front fairing. In short, it is a thing of beauty.
Carl, one of the guys at my garage, showed me a picture of this in the week leading up to TiR VII. It was a novel concept at the time; the only reason it was initially incorporated was because all the contestants of that event had a Class M License. Hell, when Carl showed me, I thought it was just some fantasy bike, one that couldn't actually function. But no, it was real, and it was used to cut zombies up.
At that point, I became interested in zombies. And everyone thought Slicecycles were the best thing since sliced (ha!) bread. But as I'm sure a lot of you remember, there have been changed made to make Slicecycles safer and more humane and a lot of other bull that basically made them something they're not supposed to be. And the less said about TiR XVI, the better.
So, now that the original Slicecycle design is here - hopefully to stay - this seems like it's going to be one hell of a show for everyone involved!
KINGS and paupers on the street, shootin' their bullets to MATCH THE BEAT[]
Posted by "Left Hand" Lance on July 26, 2010
Ya know the numer one reason i love Terror is Reality?
that's simple: zombies. Thats the number one reason ANYONE likes TIR. and if they tell you otherwise, they're lying. people watch to see zombies get brutally destroyed in new and interesting ways.
but the number TWO reason I love TIR? this man: HAIL TO THE KING, BABEE!!!
((See Image))
that's right, Tyrone King, the big TK, the FACE of Terror is reality!
Thing is, i actually liked TK BEFORE tir started. I remember back when he was still in music. hell, i STILL listen to "Long live the King", even after all this time (if the lyrics I used to title this post weren't evident enough). it's still fresh and hot; imho one of the best hip-hop albums since Rum DMC's Raising Hell. if you didn't listen to it, or were one of the haters at the time, give it another shot. It's really good.
And then there was Kingtone Records. jesus, all the talent he signed up with that. Connorboy, Trif, the element, Sultry Q, the list goes on and on. and YES, he did put Dapper Records, YRN, and Schmitty Sounds out of business through "unsportsmanlike" practices. but that's the jungle, boys! gotta stay on your toes if ya wanna survive (literally, in some cases) in the biz!
((See Image))
Awwwwwww, YEEYAAH!!! now, i don't know if their relationship is purely professional, or purely platonic, or whatevs, but DAYUM, if I were TK, i would be totally be boning the twins every single night. The only question is which one would get my upper half, and which would get my lower half (if you know what I mena).
now, maybe I'm not the best catch in the sea. I am a proud geek, play settler sof Catan on a weekly basis, and filled my sister's old room with movie props. but COME ON! there needs to be at least one chick who won't ask for a check! so hopefully, I'll get to meet up with TK, and maybe he'll be in a generous mood. Maybe he'll even offer one of the twins! and if I'm REALLY lucky, maybe Milla will be there, and all over me.
.........wat, i can dream, can't I?
Politics. Zombies! Bears! Oh My! (Except No Actual Bears!)[]
Posted by Johnny Pipes on July 27, 2010
Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here!
Long time no talk! So let's talk now. In fact, let's talk TiR! Now, Wallace may not want to talk about Terror is Reality XVI. That's fine. That's his thing. But it's still an elephant. And it's in the room. So it looks like Johnny Pipes will have to talk about it
. I'll admit, I was intrigued at first. "Dead, White, and Blue." A nice pun. I like puns. And having the politicians fighting zombies. That could have been wonderful! But I was thinking wrong. I was thinking about old-timey politicians. Like, the kind that would beat each other. I'd put a picture up if I knew who it was.
[LHL edit: it was preston brooks and Charles sumner, and BAM:]
But yeah! Fighting politicians! Should have been good! Yeah!
((See Image))
Yeah!
No!
First problem! Three of the four contestants were Representatives! Nobody gives a damn about them! The Senate is what matters! Yet no Senators! What's up with that?
To sum up my previous point: why no Obama/McCain/Clinton/Cheney matchup? (Personally, I think Cheney would've won. Shooting skills and all.)
Second problem! Charity! Why the hell did the winnings go to charity? Sorry, orphans! The point of TiR is to have people compete for monetary enrichment! If you're playing for someone else, you can't care! "Oh, it's okay, that money's not for me." No sense of involvement. And besides, would those orphans want the money if they knew where it came from? I mean, it's blood money. You don't donate blood money to charity.
Third problem! Softies! They're all softies! The snipers on overwatch in every single round kept things safe for the politicians! And dull for everyone else! Seriously! If you want excitement, there needs to be danger! Or at least the illusion of danger! And let's not forget Wally's beloved Slicecycles. Each with their own enclosure. There were cages on the Slicecycles! the contestants not even accidentally cut each other open! Nor could they even be touched by the zombies should they crash! You might as well have had them controlling robots!
Actually, no. Robots would have been much more interesting.
So, yeah! TiR XVI: you were lame!
((See Image))
TapeCat certainly does not approve. (Not actually TapeCat.)
Comparing the Terror is Reality Contestants[]
Posted by Wallace on July 27, 2010
Around the garage, the boys and I like to make bets about who is going to win the next TiR event. What makes this more fun than, say, betting on a basketball, is the fact that you have no idea in Hell who these people are, really. Like, when I say, "Oh, yeah, the Spurs are going to kick the Nets' ass," that's not much of a guess; you need only look at the records and you have an idea of who's the better team.
But TiR is different. You have normal people being put into a situation they may have never even imagined before. There aren't records for that. So how are we to judge? Gut instinct of course. Well, and a bit of the old Google search to see if they look like they have the right stuff.
So this time, I thought I'd pass this wager to the blog. If anyone wants to make a bet, let's take a look at what the contestant profiles are (and remember, as per the theme "Payback," all of these are survivors).
Chuck Greene: Damn, this one came out of nowhere. I actually thought it might have been referring to someone else, but no, it is *the* Chuck Greene. Maybe not the most recognizable of names to non-bikers, but this guy was a two-time National Motocross Champ before the Las Vegas outbreak. Honestly, I thought he died. I mean, he hasn't raced - not professionally, at least - in years. But it looks like only his wife died, and so he and his daughter are on their own.
With Slicecycles coming back into the forefront, those motocross skills will definitely come in handy.
Odds: 5:1
Leon Bell: Another Vegas survivor, and another biker, but this time from Supercross, the over-marketed stepbrother of Motocross. I don't think there's ever been two honest-to-God real bikers in a TiR event, so I'm excited. While he's by no means a champion like Chuck used to be, this guy has definitely been making a bunch of waves in the SX circuit.
Still, while I don't know him personally, he seems like exactly the kind of guy who'd be interested, and probably good at, killing hordes of zombies. And he's got recent experience on bikes, so I actually think he's got an edge over Chuck.
Odds: 3:1
Bobby Newland: This guy's harder to find information on. He's another Vegas survivor. He apparently works in the Salt Lake City sanitation department. He once reviewed a book on Amazon, and gave it 4 stars. That's about it. His name is pretty weak, though.
Odds: 25:1
Roland Nichol: Here's an interesting one. This guy is actually from Willamette; there's a news article from back in the day where he was interviewed about his experience (pretty sad story, too. He had to shoot three members of his family). Then, on the other side, there's some articles about him being a semifinalist in the "Worldwide Barista Challenge."
The Hell? No, this isn't about bartending; baristas are those apron-wearing guys who work at Starbucks and places like that. I don't even know how you compete for that. Is there something like synchronized whipped cream topping? Weird. Still, this guy had to shoot his own (zombified) sister. I'll give him some credit.
Odds: 10:1
So, now that we've looked at the four...would anyone want to make their bets?
Fighting both PETA and CURE: A Brief Look at the Zombie Zoo[]
Posted by Gretchen on July 28, 2010thumb|200px|link=
Zoos have always been a source of controversy, and rightfully so.
So it may come as a surprise that I'm quite looking forward to visiting the zombie zoo whilst in Fortune City. For those that don't know, while there have been reported cases of zombie dogs, parrots, and other household pets, there aren't many naturally-occurring zombie lions, antelope, or penguins.
How then, does one design a zoo around such a concept. Well, according to some reporter from Willamette, the owners of the zombie zoo actually solicit other zoos from around the nation for the old and/or sick animals that are on the threshold of death. Those animals are then shipped to Fortune City, where, in a controlled environment, they are exposed to the infection, and thereby zombified.
This obviously upsets most animal (and zombie) rights groups, and it definitely brings up some ethical quandaries, but the medically-trained professional in me is fascinated by the possibilities this brings up. Essentially, these are animals that are going to die, and through zombification, they are given an extended life. Admittedly, "life" is used loosely here, but if we could study the zombie infection, if we could understand it, if we could master it, there is the possibility of creating the panacea that can cure death itself.
((See Image))
It almost seems like the stuff of mad science fiction, with maniacal laughter and bad hair. But then, I'm sure penicillin, or computers, also seemed like that at one point. So, while I don't believe this trip will change my general outlook on zoos, I would love to talk to the administrators to see if they can see the grander implications of their procedure, skeptics be damned.
I'm Psyched! I'm Talking About Weapons! And I'm Psyched![]
Posted by Johnny Pipes on July 29, 2010 Hi folks! Johnny Pipes here!
Some nights, I don't eat. Busy with other stuff. Work. Lady-folk. The like. So I get hungry around midnight. And I have no food my kitchen. Okay, not true. I have slabs of meat. But those are for testing weapons on.
So I hate Sunday nights, when nothing is open.
But then I have a solution! I have a bunch of 24 packs. Not beer, of course. Don't touch the stuff. Instead, it's Red Bull. Hot damn! So I chug about 4 cans to get my necessary allotment of calories. As a wonderful side effect, I get a burst of clairvoyance! Of creativity!
So then I love Sunday nights!
Weapons! Everything becomes a weapon!
My closet's open. There's a single golf club in there. It's my dad's. You could use it as a weapon. Use it for beating? Nah. Why not take up golf? And get good at it. Build up a strong swing. Knock balls onto jaws. And temples. Especially temples. Painful!
There's a cleaver on my kitchen counter. It's sticking up in a hunk of meat. Too easy.
There's a mannequin arm sticking out from under my bed. A gift from a department store that closed. Good for basic anatomy. Also good for beatdowns.
Wait! That meat that the cleaver was in. What if you stuck other things in there? What if I stuck a firecracker in there? What if I stuck dynamite in there? Ha! It would be a bomb that attracts victims. Add spices. Add seasoning.
I feel my wrench on my work belt. Too easy. Too, too easy.
There's a box of nails on my windowsill. Bought them to build a birdhouse. Bought too many. Anyway. Put nails on a piece of wood. A board with a nail it it. No! Boards are hard to hold. Put it on a bat. Baseball bat. They're easy to hold. Swing swing swing!
There's a roll of duct tape at my feet. Tape. Tape is the catalyst. Damn. Gotta pee. Damn. This is ruining my buzz. Okay. Abrupt end.
Another Look at Some "Killer" Moves[]
Posted by Wallace on July 30, 2010
Do you remember when I was talking about "Killer" Moves a few weeks ago. It didn't really seem like anyone understood that "killer" was a double entendre. You know, it can either mean "cool" or "homicidal." Get it? I thought it was funny.
Well, I'm mentioning that because there was another wonderful fight last night. Actually, it was a few nights ago, but I didn't have a chance to see it until yesterday. Whatever; it was a great match! It was the boy from the Bronx, Tim Philster, fighting against Sam Ziegler ("The German Juggernaut").
Now, as each day grows closer until TiR XVII, I am really hoping more and more that they'll have some sort of direct fighting match. I know it probably won't happen, but knowing there's two bikers on the show makes me hope that they show just how tough we can be, even if we're not all Hell's Angels. Like my grandpa used to say, "You don't need to be a Hell-raiser in life. No need for Hell on Earth. Just have enough Hell in your hand for the next jackass who asks for it."
So which moves did Philster and Ziegler use that I thought would work well against the undead? I would say that for Philster, his elbow drop must have hurt something fierce. That's vicious. It's a good thing Ziegler only came away with bruises. And there's a video of it, though I don't think this amateur does it as well as Philster can.
Now, from Ziegler's side, there's nothing more devastating than his DDT. If you were to pull that on a zombie, especially if you were on a hard surface, they could kiss their head goodbye.
You know, the more I think about it, the more I'm going to be slightly disappointed if they don't have one-on-one fighting at TiR. But I don't think it's going to happen, so I have to just enjoy it for what it is. I wouldn't reject a beer if it was slightly warm, and I'm still as excited as hell for next week!
August[]
Can't Read My, Can't Read My, No You Can't Read My Poker Face![]
Written by Johnny Pipes on August 1, 2010
Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here!
Getting prepped for the trip. Only a couple days now! So I thought I'd share my own thoughts on poker. Now,Wallace loves his money poker. That's cool. But whenever he plays money poker, all he can win is money. That seems so shallow to me. I play for panties.
Yes, I'm talking about Strip Poker!
And luckily, Fortune City provides! Well, not officially. According to the man, strip poker isn't endorsed. Officially. But come on! It's Fortune City! The home of undead debauchery! Shambling sin! You're going to have a hard time convincing me that they don't love it.
You know the best thing about Strip Poker? You play for keeps! At least, I do. This has all sorts of wonderful effects. If you're playing a dude, you have the opportunity to up your wardrobe count! Yes, most of the time, their clothes will be too big. Or too small. Or some hideous color. But when it works, it's great!
And when you're playing a lady-folk, well! I hardly think I need to describe why it's nice to keep their clothes. If nothing else, you can always use it as leverage! "Come on, lady-folk, you can win these back if you win a different game." True story: I played Strip Poker in high school. Senior year. After Prom. After Prom! This was awesome for two reasons. First, there were no jackets and shirts and undershirts with the lady-folk. Just one-piece dresses. That speeds up the process. My buddy Jack and I were wearing our expensive rented tuxedos. We figured there was a profit to be made! Anyhoo, Jack and I cleaned up! Cleaned up! Everyone except us was right down in their panties.
Funny thing, though, was that I relied on nothing but skill. Jack, though, used magic! Or he said it was magic. It was actually just a helmet he pulled out of his trunk. No explanation as to where it came from. Funny guy! Not sure what happened to him.
Regardless!
I'm directing this to anyone interested in joining up with me for a game in FC. Basic rules:
-Texas Hold'em is the game.
-Big bets. This is supposed to move fast!
-You play until someone loses all chips. Then they take something off. Then you give them more chips.
-Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
And remember: no matter who wins, everyone wins!
Happy birthday to me![]
Written by "Left Hand" Lance on August 4, 2010thumb|200px|link=File:BlogImage_015.jpg
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
21, bahbee! Just in time for my trip to fortune city! i can now do everything the city has to give.
it's kinda funny. Back when my sister turned 21 (this was like 6 years ago) she went to Las Vegas to celebrate. our parents didn't like it. Mom was like "Jessica abagail williams! you will not be going to that hellhole. Its beneath us!"
But she went, and had a great time, she DIDN"T turn into a prostitute, and as a result, my parents have kind of eased up on us. Especially me. Hell, they let me turn my sister's room into a treasure cave of awsome movie props and junk. i stay out of their way when they have their dinner parties, and they stay out of mine. And i have my sister - and Las Vegas- to thank for that. so, in some ways, LV has always been a kind of Mecca for me. a place I NEEDED to go to when it was my turn.
.....and that makes the whole thing even more depressing.
Not the outbreak part. that was cool. i remember it like it was yesterday. Probably everyone does; it was pretty crazy. in a way, it was more real for me than the New Jersey outbreak, even though NJ is like only 200 miles away.
So when vegas turned, i was conflicted. in some ways, I felt like i'd never be able to have the same liberating experience my sister had. still, ZOMBIES! There were frackin' ZOMBIES in my personal mecca. How awesoem would that be to visit?! It'd be a total adventure. I don't think there's anyone who know how to survive a zombie apocalypse like I do, so it'd be like a playground.
And then they nuked it. The goddam bastards nuked Vegas
((See Image))
The funniest thing is just the irony of the situation. i mean, what is the zombie capital of the world? Fortune city: the phoenix of the Vegas ashes. it's like, why did they even bother nuking it? it just got rebuilt, the zombies got corralled, and now it's as successful as the old place ever was.
Fortune City is there NOW, and it's my new personal mecca, and i'm gonna be there in a couple days, and I'm gonna be able to do everything, and it's gonna be amazing.
TiR Attendee Roll call[]
Written by Gretchen on August 6, 2010
This is more a matter of housekeeping than anything. Some readers have mentioned that they'd be going to Fortune City to attend Terror is Reality, and others (primarily locals to the area) have mentioned that they'd just like to be there in order to meet up as a Tape It Or Die gathering.
Rather than try to contact each person individually, I am going to take the initiative to create a master list. I am thinking that we should briefly meet up in the afternoon before Terror Is Reality, and from there, figure out some plans for that night after the show, and then for the next couple days. It should be quite fun, so if you will be there, I highly recommend you meet up with us. If nothing else, if will be your opportunity to meet myself and the other TIOD bloggers in person.
Here is the list of participants as it stands. I will continue to update it as more people say that they will be coming (at least until the 6th, when I will be on my flight to Fortune City).
Jenny Slaton
We will meet between the TiR souvenir kiosks on Paradise Walk. I look forward to seeing you all.
Last Couple of Things Before I'm Off! Off For Fortune City![]
Written by Johnny Pipes on August 9, 2010
Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here!
You know that old John Denver song? The one that's like "I'm leaving on a jet plane."
Yeah, that's not me! I'm driving! It's less than 7 hours from Costa Mesa to Fortune City. Even with traffic. And I get to bring my work truck. So if I so much as fix one pipe on the trip, it becomes write-off-able. Hot damn!
(As a side note: Are you in the Fortune City area? Need some plumbing work done? Call (949) 478-3949 for quality service!)
But yeah, I'm ready. Got some of my homemade weapons in the back of the truck. If I meet up with some TiR officials, I'm ready to pitch ideas!
Now check this out!
((See Image))
"Why yes, Johnny Pipes, that does look like a Ramsterball.
" I saw this baby when looking through a pamphlet. It's called "Motion Madness". According to its advertising, it "Gives the thrill of Ramsterball without any of the danger."
Funny. I thought the danger was the thrill. But maybe that's just me.
Here's what I wonder, though. The thing seems like it's meant to be stationary. Like, just sitting on a bunch of rollers. You walk in the Ramsterball, then just try to stay standing up. Sounds more like a 3D treadmill to me. [LHL edit: normal treadmills go back and forth, so are in the first dimension. this goes back, forth, and side to side, so it's 2nd dimension. Itd be 3D if you also had to move up and down. See? {Johnny Pipes says: Stop hijacking my posts, Lefty!}] But what if it was detachable? What if you could take it off it's little raised platform?
I'll tell you what, it would be fun! You'd be able to run around, mowing down all the people in your way. Put on some headphones. Listen to some ironically-soothing music. Leave a path of bodies in your wake. Yes, technically that would be murder. But what isn't these days?
Still, gotta admit it looks fun. I'll definitely play it. But I'll close my eyes. And imagine what could have been.
(P.S. I also saw this other thingamajig being promoted. It's called "Dolphin Rider." Sounds like one for the lady-folk! Ha HA!)
Just arrived in the Fortune city Airport![]
Written by "Left Hand" Lance on August 10, 2010 Owww. Nine-hours ina packed sardine can of a plane makes you truly appreciate being on your feet. at Least my stewardess was pretty attractive (DESPITE being twice my age), and
but whatevs! I'm here now, and it's time to party. while my folks weren't too happy about my going to FC, i was able to convince them that i was going for business reasons (NOT entirely untrue; but I'll talk about that later). So instead of forbidding me to go, they actually gave me some EXTRA cash! And not chump change either; like, ten grand. So, now instead of staying at the americana hotel, i was able to switch over to the Atlantica. First time in a $1300/night room, babay! it's gona be sweeeeeet!
But right now, i just have to wait, because I can't actually check in for anohter coulple hours, and i don't wanna start going around the city til my stuff's inside a room. so now I'm gonna do some (drumroll, please):
FORTUNE CITY AIRPORT PEOPLE WATCHING LIVE BLOGGING!!!
-have you ever heard a dude who looked liek he could beat you up, but totally had a munchkin voice? there's one of those right in front of me, and on the phone arguing with someone. it's pretty frackin' hilarious.
-REALLY cute asian chick walking up. sweatshirt says...UCLA. damn, other side of the country. still, maybe i could make this a short-term non-commital relationship. 'scuse me.
-She said she's departing. so I guess that's that. unless she's lying. damn, I hope she's not lying and, like, i see her at the arena. that'd be a new barnacle on the hull of my loser-ship.
-Daaaamn, there is some lady eating a burrito like she HATES it. you should see the look on her face! she seems pissed off at that burrito. she could be a zombie in her own right
. -some biker dude: "i hate airports" THEN LEAVE THE FRACKIN AIRPORT DUDE!
-Oh noes, CURE people. lay low, LHL, do not make eye contact.
-Woah, wide load, dude! argh, he just turned around, and he has stomach flab that hangs below his shirt line. gotta wash my eyes when I get to the hotel.
-oooh, another cute girl. Maybe a little old for me, but i can't really tell. c'mon, get closer.
-DAYUM, that's a short dude. -ah, man, that cute girl is CURE too? what is with my horrible luck today?
-just got a call from the Atlantica saying the room's ready. they're sending a complimentary cab for me. SWANKY! signing off for now. lates!
My First post from Fortune City![]
Written by Wallace on August 10, 2010
But hopefully not my last, haha!
I'm a little disappointed in myself. I should have ridden one of my bikes here. Yes, it's a 1,300-mile drive, but I could have made a road trip out of it, stop by the Grand Canyon, and maybe meet up with some old friends along the way.
But instead, I took the plane. No sightseeing or old friends, but at least I got a free bag of peanuts out of the deal.
If anybody's here that wants to meet up with me for the night, I'm staying at the Americana hotel (what can I say, it seems most like home for me). I'm going to be playing some poker in the casino after happy hour, but I've been spending most of the day just exploring, and the wrench-monkey in me has to comment on something.
((See Image))
That is a Gavin Roadster X3. One of the most expensive non-custom cars in the world. I saw this in the Royal Flush Plaza, and it's keys were inside a locked, transparent-plastic box guarded by a burly man with a gun. Next to him was a larger box, one in which you can place your business card (or, I suppose, some kind of form) into. The sign on the box read something like "WIN A FREE ROADSTER. A $500,000 value."
Think about how much money that is. And I know my parts: you've got about $80 worth of scrap metal making the frame, and your engine, while top-of-the-line, is still not worth a penny above nine grand.
Basically, you're paying a "cool" tax.
On the other hand, take a look at this:
((See Image))
Now that's something I'd save up years for. And you can bet your bottom peso I put my business card in there. And I'm feeling lucky. Just you wait: I'll be canceling that return plane ticket to San Antonio yet!
Dire Straits Knew Where It Was At![]
Written by Johnny Pipes on August 10, 2010
Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here!
About the title: seriously! Money for nothing! Chicks for free! I love this town!
Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking: "Johnny Pipes, what about what you said? You said money is shallow." True! Very true! But that's playing poker for money. What about when you just...get some? Now that's pretty good!
No, your eyes don't deceive you. That is a box. A box full of money. And if you grab it, you win it.
I...I don't understand this. But I love it! But I don't understand it? How do they make money with this? I mean, it's like they're giving away money. And I don't mean that figuratively. They're literally giving money away.
But I'm not complaining!
Oh, by the way, I'm in Fortune City right now. You probably figured that out. Seeing as I'm talking about getting $800 out of a random box!
Yeah, drive was shorter than anticipated. Only 3 hours and six-pack of Red Bulls. I may have sped a little bit. A little. But luckily, that meant I had two six-packs for the city! And let me tell you, that energy worked wonders in that money box. It was timed, after all. Bunch of small bills. Gotta be fast! Gotta hold a lot!
And plumber hands can hold a lot! I guess they hope people spend the money on gambling. I guess. Can't say for sure. Still think it's odd.
Oh, and that "chicks for free" comment at the beginning. I wasn't kidding! Not every lady-folk here is a stripper. Most aren't, in fact! Most are respectable young lady-folk. Pretty young lady-folk. Sexy young lady-folk. And they're looking for a good time too.
So some of these lady-folk meet Johnny Pipes. They see I've just won $800. They ask for a drink. I offer them more. I take them to the Palisades Mall. Buy them some chocolate. There's three of them, by the way…
Two hours later, I’m back on the town.And the sun's still out!
And I still have $600 left from that box!
And TiR is tomorrow! I love this town!!!
Advice: Avoid the Zombie Opera[]
Written by Gretchen on August 11, 2010
I arrived in Fortune City this afternoon, and rather than meet up with the rest of the Tape It Or Die community - there will be plenty of time to do that in the upcoming days - I decided to go watch the Zombie Opera. I actually wanted to watch Cirque du Zombi, but that seemed to be out of commission for the day. Still, the opera seemed like a good way to experience as much of culture as I could.